how I am currently preparing for my midterms

Well I am studying for my midterm on early Italian Renaissance art. So far this is what I have to show for it:

dreaming of better things...

And finally, dreaming of partying like it's my last supper. (yeah. I said it.)

nevermind

you know I fucking hate children. and I just can't hide it. it's best to embrace these things about oneself.

(real post with detailed child-hating soon to come.)

the science of baby-hating

It appears I haven't posted in a while. But that's what you get for being a slave to a huge retail corporation.

Anyway, I'm changing the name of this blog to something less offensive (it's sad, I know :( ) so I can actually tell people the name of it. 

It will still be the same blog but finally it will be updated more often since my boyfriend decided to go through one of his "king of the hill" (the tv show, not some weird complex) phases again so i have nothing better to do on my days off, except go on the internet, and I can only google pictures of cats for so long. 

So the new name is going to be "cats are just better than kids." Obviously. Unless you have a better idea??

Here's a picture that provides straight evidence for my new title, anyway:

See, this cat is easily better than this demon of a child. I'm pretty much a scientist. 

Here are some disturbing pictures of babies:

What the fuck is that kid smiling at? It's even worse that it's not a full smile, it's some devilish little future-murderer smile, sneaking onto his face, probably because he's looking at his mom get surgery or something. And why is he wearing that blanket? IS that a blanket? Is it one of those god damn hooded towels? Is he even wearing clothing? Why is it acceptable for babies to not wear clothing?????? They should be registered sex offenders, in my opinion.

You can find this creepy baby here. Although, why would you want to? I mean, I guess it's like how some people have that sick desire to watch movies like Saw.

Seriously? I mean, REALLY? What were this boy (girl?)'s parents thinking? Let's just dress up our hermaphrodite in angel wings, that's not vain at all. Yeah, what a little angel... Look at those little eyes, he's a fucking killer!

Get ready, this one's the worst...

WHAT THE FUCK? Is this real? This is just messed up on so many levels that I don't even want to begin to analyze it.

how to make shoes

There are two things I MUST have. The other day I discovered a tool at a burrito place that would make my life easier in every way:

And then I found these:

If there was ever a perfect pair of shoes for a cat lady it's these. And I NEED THEM. Unfortunately they are out of stock so I'll have to make due...

(click the image to view bigger)

what it's like to be the clumsiest person in the world

Earlier today I broke an expensive glass (this happens to me at least once a week, I swear.)

Then just now I opened a soda, took one sip, and spilled it all over my external harddrive (cool!!!!). So goodbye $200 harddrive with all my tv shows, how the fuck am I supposed to watch kitchen nightmares now???

Yesterday I was at work and had just opened a soda, drank a bit, and then managed to knock it over and spill the entire thing on my pants. And I spilled it just perfectly so it looked like I peed my pants, but I guess it's okay because last week I ripped my work pants (my only pair) anyway right before I was going to leave for work.

The week before, we went to get my boyfriend's favorite glass from his house because he was afraid it would get ruined. So we finally got it and brought it back to my house, and it was sitting on the table for about five seconds before I accidentally knocked it over into a hundred pieces.

Oh, and a couple days before that, I had broken a margarita glass at Chili's (at least it was empty).

Also, once, the security people at my work told me how clumsy I am because they can see on the cameras how often I just flat out run into things. Once I even stabbed myself in the eye with this children's toy trying to figure out how it worked, but I think it's a little too dangerous anyway. Then again, I guess every child should have one..

how cats come to question their existence, also why cats are better than babies

First, Chauncey and Emma were little kittens.

Then Chauncey was very ill due to his worms. 

Soon, he recovered, and tried on some new clothes. 

He often insisted that we take him for a walk.

And he even learned to put on his snow boots by himself!

Eventually, we got him a real window seat, so he could be alone to contemplate his existence.

the top five (or six) worst inventions in the world

number one:
FLIP FLOPS. these make me so upset, almost more angry than pants (but I've already told you about that). maybe they're useful if you live somewhere WARM where it is PRACTICAL but I live in Colorado, where flip flops should be banned. For some reason, they are still sold here in stores year round, so idiots like this girl (below) think that it's okay to just not use their brain and wear them when there's three fucking feet of snow on the ground.

number two. snow. I know, it's not really an invention, but I absolutely HATE snow. For now, since I am forced to leave the house and work at a job in the real world, as well as go to school, I have to deal with this appalling natural disaster. Someday when I am able to be a hermit and never leave my house, I might even enjoy looking at snow (from a safe distance, with an apple beer and cheetos) and knowing that I don't have to go out into the world. But right now I really fucking hate it. And I don't even like snowboarding or skiing because it's way too cold to be worth it. (Also, see above picture for the atrocities snow causes.) Also, snow is ugly because it all gets black and nasty in an hour anyway. Plus there's no way I can get all the way to buffalo wild wings if it's snowing, so I'll fucking starve to death.

number three. Jelly. I don't think I need to explain this one.

number four. Snuggies. okay, snuggies are admittedly not that bad, they're just so...disappointing. I got a snuggie for christmas one year (but it's snuggie for kids, since my mom doesn't think I will fit an adult one..Although she was right.) Anyway, snuggie could be better but it needs to have velcro on the back. Snuggies are just more irritation than they are worth (although they are fashionable), and I can't be comfortable and sit on my couch reading a book if my blanket outerwear is always falling off. It's not even really that comfortable. Now, the forever lazy, that's a good invention!

number five. Jersey shore. seriously? Why? Before this happened, I'll admit I had very low expectations for humanity, but this lowered the bar even more. Not to mention that people enjoy watching it, or that they will PAY actual MONEY to see paully whatever "dj" at a club, which is probably the lamest thing I can ever imagine. Personally I think I'd rather go on that "It's a small world" ride at Disney world, and that's even filled with screaming, crying, dellusional children. I just don't get why anyone would want to worship a group of bright orange people with nothing better to do than gossip about each other and show off how fat they are, or how much time they spent in the gym. I just don't fucking care, and I don't find it entertaining. Also, I am entirely disturbed by Snookie's ability to even exist in space, and by the fact that (probably) most people do not vomit when they see (or hear) her. These people make me very, very sad for humanity.

and also, number six.
but I would honestly like to move this one up to number 2. RUFFLES. I HATE RUFFLES! RUFFLES MAKE ME SICK!!!!!!! Way more sick than Jersey Shore. Not like ruffle chips, those are okay I guess, except I find the texture rather irritating and just not worth the kind of good taste. I'm talking about ruffles on clothes.Ruffles are the worst, tackiest, trashiest, invention in the world. (I think they may even be worse than flip flops, because at least those might be useful in Hawaii, although out of principle I never wear flip flops, not even to the pool (which I also hate) or the beach). The bottom line is that ruffles NEVER have and NEVER will look flattering on ANYONE. No one can wear these. It's a law of nature, like gravity or the fact that cholula makes everything taste better. Not even Conor Oberst can wear ruffles. Okay fine he could wear them, but I would be severely offended and have nightmares for a long time... But really, ruffles have no use but to make a person ugly.

our animals are really lucky

Before you look at the pictures, I'll let you know that my dog actually does need these because he's a Chihuahua and there's no snow in Mexico and his brain is too small for him to realize that if he walks around in the snow in Colorado his paws are going to be so cold he can't walk. Also I am a great pet owner.

all warm now!!!

and for the finale, the giantess. Pawnee doesn't like anyone except her momma Alyssa and she is also the queen of the world.

why I really do fucking hate children

Disclaimer: do not attempt to remind me that I was once a child. I'm sure I was just as evil and uncomfortable as the rest of them, and if I met myself as a kid I'd hate me too.

Now, when I say I hate children, everyone always tells me that I'm in denial and I'll end up having kids and loving it.

Well, no I fucking wont.

I really honestly despise children. I only have a few enemies in this world, including jelly (sick!!!), homeless people, that show about people in jail, and pants, but children are definitely number one.

Here are some of the things that are wrong with children:

1. They're always staring. What the fuck are you looking at? And don't be a smart ass and say something like "Mommy look at her" or "Are you a girl or a boy?" or "Why do you have earrings in your mouth?" either. You're lucky it's socially unacceptable because I'd love to teach you a lesson.

2. Children are just selfish little brats in general.

3. That eight year old boy might look "innocent" (to the untrained eye) but I know he'd slap a dog or something. Little kids are assholes to animals.

4. Everyone talks to them in that baby voice, like they're a fucking angel. Guess what, your kid probably steals, pisses herself at the grocery store, bullies other children at school, or just struggles to get their pants on in the morning.

And the worst type of children are infants. They're like drunk assholes that can't even walk straight, and they just scream or cry when they want something. Use your words you idiot.

I'd probably rather die than have a little devil running around soaking up all my money and ability to deal with life, wouldn't you? Probably not because everybody wants their own little mutant brat causing more detriment to society.

excuses

I haven't posted in a while because it's finals week and every art project I have, I end up waiting until 10pm the night before and staying up all night in misery only to complete a mediocre piece of crap. So it's no surprise that I just started my final project this morning and it's due tomorrow. Anyway I am excusing myself from writing a decent post because

a) I've barely slept this week and I'm living off coffee and soda

and the more serious and life threatening reason:

b) I'M OUT OF CHOLULA. and I don't get paid until Friday (that stuff is expensive, I even used up the one I stole from that burrito place). So how can you blame me for how bad this post is? It's not even a real post.

things that make me want to down a 12 pack, part 1

The other day a girl I work with told me I hate a lot of things. Well, I don't think I hate that much stuff. It's just that the little things start to bother me after a while...

Like when I'm trying to find other blogs to look at. I try clicking that damn "next blog" thing, and it only ever takes me to three different types of blogs:

1. blogs about religion (I'm sorry, but I just don't want to read about this on the internet. I need to be reading something hilarious that will convince me it's better to continue sitting in front of the computer rather than gather the energy to walk two feet just to put on a sweater.)

2. blogs in foreign languages. what the fuck is this??/ I can't fucking speak German! if you can then that's great but I speak fucking english. and no I would not like to translate, I'm on the internet for a reason - I'm lazy as fuck.

and the worst of all.....

3. blogs about fucking CHILDREN. you have to be kidding me!!! I'm seriously beginning to doubt the legitimacy of this "next blog" link. Is this all just a conspiracy to get me to somehow develop a liking for children and the family activities of others?

and the blogs with children as the subject are the worst when...

it's a fucking family blog. Seriously? Who the fuck do you think is going to sit there and read about how your two year old shit himself this morning? Or how hilarious it was that your daughter drank her orange juice out of a wine glass?

Guess what? I DON'T CARE. and I guess that would be a pointless thing to say...that is, if ANYONE cared.

You people and your blogs about children. Hopefully if the government passes that ridiculous law about internet censorship, they'll delete all the blogs about your families, since they make people bored of the internet (I didn't even know this was possible, but you fucking did it!).

So, if you ever want to know what kind of freaks are out there, Go ahead and click "next blog." But I warned you.

i was just bored.

kitties like dancing

dogs like fans

cows like baths

how to get through college without going to class

the number one rule i've learned in college is:

LIE.

it's so simple, but for some reason, no one ever tells you this in high school. you need to prepare yourself. you need to become a really fucking good liar. it's never too late to start.

don't get all crazy with this right away though. it takes time to build trust and convince your teachers that you actually care about the class, even though you've been having a tough time this semester (as you have been the past 3 years) and that's why you've missed 12 out of the past 20 classes, not because you just wanted to lay around in your pajamas and watch Kitchen Nightmares. Or because you didn't want to go to school so you convinced yourself that you were "sick" and just needed a day off.

another important thing to remember is to space out the good lies. you probably want to save the really good ones for when you miss 2-3 days in a row solely because you couldn't be bothered to get up and put pants on. this is when you pull out the big guns, for example, a death in the family. you should probably go with someone distant, but not so distant that the teacher will be suspicious. as soon as you've mastered this one, it's smooth sailing and you're on your way to a degree with a C grade average!

also important to remember:
"Yeah I did do ___(this paper)___ but my printer ran out of ink" (insert sad, desperate face)
"I went through some rough family problems this weekend" (consequently your project sucks)
"My car broke down in the snow" (make sure there's snow and you have a shitty car)
"My tire blew out on the interstate" (I never use this one because they're not going to be as empathetic)

Now go out there (I mean stay in your room in your underwear) and pass English!!!!

note: I'm still in college. you probably should go to class..unless you're a really good liar.

ode to cholula

Before cholula, I lived a sad but less savage life.

...

And then everything was right in the world.

That's it. I just love cholula.

the highest level of humor

This morning we went to Denny's. It was nice because they provide you with your own "Arthur Christmas" inspired mad lib paper place mat to fill out while you're waiting for your giant-sized serving of french toast and eggs.

the best picture of a cat, that I've made at least

Poor chauncey was sick but he is always a good dancer.

the time we lit the kitchen on fire

One time my boyfriend and I decided to make fish and chips. Well technically he was going to make it because I can't even make oatmeal successfully. It started out with the promise of delicious food but soon things turned to disaster.

It seemed like a good plan; he would make really good food and I would have a full hour or two to play the Sims.

But soon I noticed something was wrong...

...Really fucking wrong.

As usual, I handled the matter calmly:

The only appropriate method of action was to grab our dog and run away while I let my boyfriend handle the fire...

 ...and it's a good thing I let him, because I would have let the entire apartment burn down at the first sign of smoke.

In the end, we learned not to ever attempt to fry things at home. But the fish were delicious so we'll probably try it again.

the kind of people i'm forced to have dinner next to

It's a rare occasion when my boyfriend and I go out to a restaurant and don't end up being seated next to the biggest freaks there.

So last night, we went out to a fish and chips place. It was 9pm and I thought no one would be there because who would want to eat fish and chips that late? Anyway I guess it's normal to serve other fried things, such as pickles (which are good), zingers (wtf???) and...TWINKIES. Yes, that's right. It doesn't just happen at Disney World (that's the fattest place on earth so I can only assume that they serve this) but fried twinkies are also served at the fish and chips place that's right by my house.

I guess I can accept the existence of fried twinkies (but honestly, it's pretty hard). However, I can not accept the existence of the monster/machine/female that was in that restaurant. Here's what she looked like before she got her fried twinkie:

Just a normal K-mart model. But then, things really blew up when she had to wait over 3 minutes for her fried twinkie...

And at that point we had to abandon our food and seek safety outside of her twinkie-less reach.

the creepiest thing i've ever seen

I thought this was a real fucking baby. I mean I can see why they'd leave it sitting outside in the bike thing but it was just disturbing.

what i do at work

I used to work at a desk alone at the front door of a library until 3am. So there was really nothing to do except use paint to create art with cat heads.

catplant

octopuss

spice cats