our animals are really lucky

Before you look at the pictures, I'll let you know that my dog actually does need these because he's a Chihuahua and there's no snow in Mexico and his brain is too small for him to realize that if he walks around in the snow in Colorado his paws are going to be so cold he can't walk. Also I am a great pet owner.

all warm now!!!

and for the finale, the giantess. Pawnee doesn't like anyone except her momma Alyssa and she is also the queen of the world.

why I really do fucking hate children

Disclaimer: do not attempt to remind me that I was once a child. I'm sure I was just as evil and uncomfortable as the rest of them, and if I met myself as a kid I'd hate me too.

Now, when I say I hate children, everyone always tells me that I'm in denial and I'll end up having kids and loving it.

Well, no I fucking wont.

I really honestly despise children. I only have a few enemies in this world, including jelly (sick!!!), homeless people, that show about people in jail, and pants, but children are definitely number one.

Here are some of the things that are wrong with children:

1. They're always staring. What the fuck are you looking at? And don't be a smart ass and say something like "Mommy look at her" or "Are you a girl or a boy?" or "Why do you have earrings in your mouth?" either. You're lucky it's socially unacceptable because I'd love to teach you a lesson.

2. Children are just selfish little brats in general.

3. That eight year old boy might look "innocent" (to the untrained eye) but I know he'd slap a dog or something. Little kids are assholes to animals.

4. Everyone talks to them in that baby voice, like they're a fucking angel. Guess what, your kid probably steals, pisses herself at the grocery store, bullies other children at school, or just struggles to get their pants on in the morning.

And the worst type of children are infants. They're like drunk assholes that can't even walk straight, and they just scream or cry when they want something. Use your words you idiot.

I'd probably rather die than have a little devil running around soaking up all my money and ability to deal with life, wouldn't you? Probably not because everybody wants their own little mutant brat causing more detriment to society.

excuses

I haven't posted in a while because it's finals week and every art project I have, I end up waiting until 10pm the night before and staying up all night in misery only to complete a mediocre piece of crap. So it's no surprise that I just started my final project this morning and it's due tomorrow. Anyway I am excusing myself from writing a decent post because

a) I've barely slept this week and I'm living off coffee and soda

and the more serious and life threatening reason:

b) I'M OUT OF CHOLULA. and I don't get paid until Friday (that stuff is expensive, I even used up the one I stole from that burrito place). So how can you blame me for how bad this post is? It's not even a real post.

things that make me want to down a 12 pack, part 1

The other day a girl I work with told me I hate a lot of things. Well, I don't think I hate that much stuff. It's just that the little things start to bother me after a while...

Like when I'm trying to find other blogs to look at. I try clicking that damn "next blog" thing, and it only ever takes me to three different types of blogs:

1. blogs about religion (I'm sorry, but I just don't want to read about this on the internet. I need to be reading something hilarious that will convince me it's better to continue sitting in front of the computer rather than gather the energy to walk two feet just to put on a sweater.)

2. blogs in foreign languages. what the fuck is this??/ I can't fucking speak German! if you can then that's great but I speak fucking english. and no I would not like to translate, I'm on the internet for a reason - I'm lazy as fuck.

and the worst of all.....

3. blogs about fucking CHILDREN. you have to be kidding me!!! I'm seriously beginning to doubt the legitimacy of this "next blog" link. Is this all just a conspiracy to get me to somehow develop a liking for children and the family activities of others?

and the blogs with children as the subject are the worst when...

it's a fucking family blog. Seriously? Who the fuck do you think is going to sit there and read about how your two year old shit himself this morning? Or how hilarious it was that your daughter drank her orange juice out of a wine glass?

Guess what? I DON'T CARE. and I guess that would be a pointless thing to say...that is, if ANYONE cared.

You people and your blogs about children. Hopefully if the government passes that ridiculous law about internet censorship, they'll delete all the blogs about your families, since they make people bored of the internet (I didn't even know this was possible, but you fucking did it!).

So, if you ever want to know what kind of freaks are out there, Go ahead and click "next blog." But I warned you.

i was just bored.

kitties like dancing

dogs like fans

cows like baths

how to get through college without going to class

the number one rule i've learned in college is:

LIE.

it's so simple, but for some reason, no one ever tells you this in high school. you need to prepare yourself. you need to become a really fucking good liar. it's never too late to start.

don't get all crazy with this right away though. it takes time to build trust and convince your teachers that you actually care about the class, even though you've been having a tough time this semester (as you have been the past 3 years) and that's why you've missed 12 out of the past 20 classes, not because you just wanted to lay around in your pajamas and watch Kitchen Nightmares. Or because you didn't want to go to school so you convinced yourself that you were "sick" and just needed a day off.

another important thing to remember is to space out the good lies. you probably want to save the really good ones for when you miss 2-3 days in a row solely because you couldn't be bothered to get up and put pants on. this is when you pull out the big guns, for example, a death in the family. you should probably go with someone distant, but not so distant that the teacher will be suspicious. as soon as you've mastered this one, it's smooth sailing and you're on your way to a degree with a C grade average!

also important to remember:
"Yeah I did do ___(this paper)___ but my printer ran out of ink" (insert sad, desperate face)
"I went through some rough family problems this weekend" (consequently your project sucks)
"My car broke down in the snow" (make sure there's snow and you have a shitty car)
"My tire blew out on the interstate" (I never use this one because they're not going to be as empathetic)

Now go out there (I mean stay in your room in your underwear) and pass English!!!!

note: I'm still in college. you probably should go to class..unless you're a really good liar.

ode to cholula

Before cholula, I lived a sad but less savage life.

...

And then everything was right in the world.

That's it. I just love cholula.