how to get through college without going to class

the number one rule i've learned in college is:

LIE.

it's so simple, but for some reason, no one ever tells you this in high school. you need to prepare yourself. you need to become a really fucking good liar. it's never too late to start.

don't get all crazy with this right away though. it takes time to build trust and convince your teachers that you actually care about the class, even though you've been having a tough time this semester (as you have been the past 3 years) and that's why you've missed 12 out of the past 20 classes, not because you just wanted to lay around in your pajamas and watch Kitchen Nightmares. Or because you didn't want to go to school so you convinced yourself that you were "sick" and just needed a day off.

another important thing to remember is to space out the good lies. you probably want to save the really good ones for when you miss 2-3 days in a row solely because you couldn't be bothered to get up and put pants on. this is when you pull out the big guns, for example, a death in the family. you should probably go with someone distant, but not so distant that the teacher will be suspicious. as soon as you've mastered this one, it's smooth sailing and you're on your way to a degree with a C grade average!

also important to remember:
"Yeah I did do ___(this paper)___ but my printer ran out of ink" (insert sad, desperate face)
"I went through some rough family problems this weekend" (consequently your project sucks)
"My car broke down in the snow" (make sure there's snow and you have a shitty car)
"My tire blew out on the interstate" (I never use this one because they're not going to be as empathetic)

Now go out there (I mean stay in your room in your underwear) and pass English!!!!

note: I'm still in college. you probably should go to class..unless you're a really good liar.

ode to cholula

Before cholula, I lived a sad but less savage life.

...

And then everything was right in the world.

That's it. I just love cholula.

the highest level of humor

This morning we went to Denny's. It was nice because they provide you with your own "Arthur Christmas" inspired mad lib paper place mat to fill out while you're waiting for your giant-sized serving of french toast and eggs.

the best picture of a cat, that I've made at least

Poor chauncey was sick but he is always a good dancer.

the time we lit the kitchen on fire

One time my boyfriend and I decided to make fish and chips. Well technically he was going to make it because I can't even make oatmeal successfully. It started out with the promise of delicious food but soon things turned to disaster.

It seemed like a good plan; he would make really good food and I would have a full hour or two to play the Sims.

But soon I noticed something was wrong...

...Really fucking wrong.

As usual, I handled the matter calmly:

The only appropriate method of action was to grab our dog and run away while I let my boyfriend handle the fire...

 ...and it's a good thing I let him, because I would have let the entire apartment burn down at the first sign of smoke.

In the end, we learned not to ever attempt to fry things at home. But the fish were delicious so we'll probably try it again.

the kind of people i'm forced to have dinner next to

It's a rare occasion when my boyfriend and I go out to a restaurant and don't end up being seated next to the biggest freaks there.

So last night, we went out to a fish and chips place. It was 9pm and I thought no one would be there because who would want to eat fish and chips that late? Anyway I guess it's normal to serve other fried things, such as pickles (which are good), zingers (wtf???) and...TWINKIES. Yes, that's right. It doesn't just happen at Disney World (that's the fattest place on earth so I can only assume that they serve this) but fried twinkies are also served at the fish and chips place that's right by my house.

I guess I can accept the existence of fried twinkies (but honestly, it's pretty hard). However, I can not accept the existence of the monster/machine/female that was in that restaurant. Here's what she looked like before she got her fried twinkie:

Just a normal K-mart model. But then, things really blew up when she had to wait over 3 minutes for her fried twinkie...

And at that point we had to abandon our food and seek safety outside of her twinkie-less reach.

the creepiest thing i've ever seen

I thought this was a real fucking baby. I mean I can see why they'd leave it sitting outside in the bike thing but it was just disturbing.

what i do at work

I used to work at a desk alone at the front door of a library until 3am. So there was really nothing to do except use paint to create art with cat heads.

catplant

octopuss

spice cats