LIE.
it's so simple, but for some reason, no one ever tells you this in high school. you need to prepare yourself. you need to become a really fucking good liar. it's never too late to start.
don't get all crazy with this right away though. it takes time to build trust and convince your teachers that you actually care about the class, even though you've been having a tough time this semester (as you have been the past 3 years) and that's why you've missed 12 out of the past 20 classes, not because you just wanted to lay around in your pajamas and watch Kitchen Nightmares. Or because you didn't want to go to school so you convinced yourself that you were "sick" and just needed a day off.
another important thing to remember is to space out the good lies. you probably want to save the really good ones for when you miss 2-3 days in a row solely because you couldn't be bothered to get up and put pants on. this is when you pull out the big guns, for example, a death in the family. you should probably go with someone distant, but not so distant that the teacher will be suspicious. as soon as you've mastered this one, it's smooth sailing and you're on your way to a degree with a C grade average!
also important to remember:
"Yeah I did do ___(this paper)___ but my printer ran out of ink" (insert sad, desperate face)
"I went through some rough family problems this weekend" (consequently your project sucks)
"My car broke down in the snow" (make sure there's snow and you have a shitty car)
"My tire blew out on the interstate" (I never use this one because they're not going to be as empathetic)
Now go out there (I mean stay in your room in your underwear) and pass English!!!!
note: I'm still in college. you probably should go to class..unless you're a really good liar.
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