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Wednesday, February 8, 2012

the top five (or six) worst inventions in the world

number one:
FLIP FLOPS. these make me so upset, almost more angry than pants (but I've already told you about that). maybe they're useful if you live somewhere WARM where it is PRACTICAL but I live in Colorado, where flip flops should be banned. For some reason, they are still sold here in stores year round, so idiots like this girl (below) think that it's okay to just not use their brain and wear them when there's three fucking feet of snow on the ground.


number two. snow. I know, it's not really an invention, but I absolutely HATE snow. For now, since I am forced to leave the house and work at a job in the real world, as well as go to school, I have to deal with this appalling natural disaster. Someday when I am able to be a hermit and never leave my house, I might even enjoy looking at snow (from a safe distance, with an apple beer and cheetos) and knowing that I don't have to go out into the world. But right now I really fucking hate it. And I don't even like snowboarding or skiing because it's way too cold to be worth it. (Also, see above picture for the atrocities snow causes.) Also, snow is ugly because it all gets black and nasty in an hour anyway. Plus there's no way I can get all the way to buffalo wild wings if it's snowing, so I'll fucking starve to death.


number three. Jelly. I don't think I need to explain this one.
number four. Snuggies. okay, snuggies are admittedly not that bad, they're just so...disappointing. I got a snuggie for christmas one year (but it's snuggie for kids, since my mom doesn't think I will fit an adult one..Although she was right.) Anyway, snuggie could be better but it needs to have velcro on the back. Snuggies are just more irritation than they are worth (although they are fashionable), and I can't be comfortable and sit on my couch reading a book if my blanket outerwear is always falling off. It's not even really that comfortable. Now, the forever lazy, that's a good invention!

number five. Jersey shore. seriously? Why? Before this happened, I'll admit I had very low expectations for humanity, but this lowered the bar even more. Not to mention that people enjoy watching it, or that they will PAY actual MONEY to see paully whatever "dj" at a club, which is probably the lamest thing I can ever imagine. Personally I think I'd rather go on that "It's a small world" ride at Disney world, and that's even filled with screaming, crying, dellusional children. I just don't get why anyone would want to worship a group of bright orange people with nothing better to do than gossip about each other and show off how fat they are, or how much time they spent in the gym. I just don't fucking care, and I don't find it entertaining. Also, I am entirely disturbed by Snookie's ability to even exist in space, and by the fact that (probably) most people do not vomit when they see (or hear) her. These people make me very, very sad for humanity.


and also, number six.
but I would honestly like to move this one up to number 2. RUFFLES. I HATE RUFFLES! RUFFLES MAKE ME SICK!!!!!!! Way more sick than Jersey Shore. Not like ruffle chips, those are okay I guess, except I find the texture rather irritating and just not worth the kind of good taste. I'm talking about ruffles on clothes.Ruffles are the worst, tackiest, trashiest, invention in the world. (I think they may even be worse than flip flops, because at least those might be useful in Hawaii, although out of principle I never wear flip flops, not even to the pool (which I also hate) or the beach). The bottom line is that ruffles NEVER have and NEVER will look flattering on ANYONE. No one can wear these. It's a law of nature, like gravity or the fact that cholula makes everything taste better. Not even Conor Oberst can wear ruffles. Okay fine he could wear them, but I would be severely offended and have nightmares for a long time... But really, ruffles have no use but to make a person ugly.

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